NURSERY RHYMES FOR GROWN-UPS
Many favorite nursery rhymes date back to the 1800s, 1700s and earlier, and have been passed down mostly by word of mouth, accounting for their variations. And probably unbeknownst to most people, some of these rhymes have violent origins hardly suitable for the nursery. So how did these come to be known as nursery rhymes? Over the years, their violent origins have been forgotten and remain in the past, and only these enchanting little verses have carried over into modern times.
Here are my updated versions of some of these rhymes and children's stories converted to rhymes; but these are intended for grown-up entertainment.
Humpty Dumpty
Yankee Doodle
There Were Some Crooked Men
Old King Cole
Hark Hark, the Dogs Do Bark
An Apple a Day
Economy
She Sells Seashells
Peas Porridge Hot
One, Two, Buckle My Shoe
Jack Be Nimble
There is an Old Woman Who Lives in a Shoe
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
Little Boy Blue
Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater
Diddle Diddle Dumpling
There Was a Little Girl Who Had a Little Curl
Little Tommy Tucker
What are Little Boys Made Of, Made Of?
Hickory Dickory Dock,
Just for Fun
Little Bo Peep
Ouch!
HUMPTY DUMPTY
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall;
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
He abused his power, he did us all wrong.
Now he's in Sing Sing. He'll be there long.
YANKEE DOODLE
Yankee Doodle went to town
A riding in an airplane.
He flipped his hat and fleeced us down
Our politicians are insane.
Yankee Doodle keeps it up,
Yankee Doodle Dandy,
He minds the music and the steps
And with our Boys he's handy.
Yankee Doodle asks for more
And Congress says you betcha'
Don't tell the public what it's for
And they will never getcha'
Yankee Doodle keeps it up,
Yankee Doodle Dandy,
He minds the music and the steps
And with our Boys he's handy.
Yankee Doodle likes to beg
But not upon the sidewalk.
He knows which Congressmen to peg
And billions follow from their talk.
Yankee Doodle keeps it up,
Yankee Doodle Dandy,
He minds the music and the steps
And with our Boys he's handy.
THERE WERE SOME CROOKED MEN
There were some crooked men who talked a crooked mile
And passed a crooked bill across a crooked aisle.
They played a crooked game, crooked all the same,
And they held a crooked job in a house of crooked fame.
OLD KING COLE
Old King Cole was a merry old soul
And a merry old soul was he.
The lobbyist paid, and the old king played
As he fiddled with the laws that be.
More men came, and the king played the same
And they danced to a merry tune.
For the king filled his cup as the world heated up
And the economy was bankrupt soon.
HARK HARK, THE DOGS DO BARK
Hark hark, the dogs do bark,
The beggars are coming to town.
Congress pays the beggars' ways
And the country gets taken down.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
"I'm off to see my grandma" said Little Red Riding Hood.
"I'm going to make her feel better. With a basket of herbs I should."
But upon arriving at grandma's she finds a wolf instead
Selling phamaceuticals and now poor grandma's dead.
AN APPLE A DAY
An Apple a day keeps the doctor away,
For who can afford in this day to pay?
And who wants to wait a month for to see
A doctor too busy to take care of thee?
SHE SELLS SEASHELLS
She sells seashells by the seashore.
Times are tight, her job is done for.
So if you see her at the seashore
Help her out and buy four more.
PEAS PORRIDGE HOT
Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold
Peas porridge in the pot with green fuzzy mold.
Some like it hot, some like it cold,
But none like the fuzzy stuff that's nine days old.
ONE, TWO, BUCKLE MY SHOE
One, two, buckle my shoe.
It's falling apart, I need some glue.
I can't afford to buy them new;
Inflation ate my savings too.
JACK BE NIMBLE
Jack be nimble, jack be quick
Jack get ready the candlestick.
The lights are out, can't pay the bill
And in the house we feel a chill.
HOT CROSS BUNS
Hot cross buns! Hot cross buns!
One a dollar, two a dollar Hot cross buns!
If you have no dollar, beg one on the street.
For if you have no dollar, you'll never taste this treat.
THERE IS AN OLD WOMAN WHO LIVES IN A SHOE
There is an old woman who lives in a shoe.
She has so many children she doesn't know what to do.
So she sends them to bed with nary a bite.
But with more siblings coming their mom is a fright.
The world population? She couldn't care less.
So there's always a bulge in the front of her dress.
Birth control's out. Her religion says "No."
So the population continues to grow.
And so does her belly, while her brain remains small.
The environment is crumbling; she's killing us all.
TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are.
Urban air and neon light
Make your sparkle not so bright.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
When people, here, no longer are
When our heated world stops giving birth.
Your light, again, shall signal Earth
Little Boy Blue
Where are the men
Who look after this mess?
Which corporation
Is anyone's guess.
Can you find them?
No, not I,
But I saw them last
With a lobbyist guy.
PETER, PETER, PUMPKIN EATER
Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater
Had a wife and couldn't keep her.
He built for her a little prison
From which her rights have now arisen.
Peter, Peter indeed does miss her
For never again shall Peter kiss her.
But Peter now has learned his lesson:
It's not true love when mixed with oppression.
DIDDLE DIDDLE DUMPLING
Diddle diddle dumpling, my son John;
Went abroad with his uniform on.
The left shoe weak, and the right shoe strong,
Diddle diddle dumpling my son's gone.
THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL
There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
Her teeth were brilliant white.
She bleached them every night,
But the words from her mouth were just horrid.
She had mascara eyes
And liposuction thighs
And weighed scarcely more than a fairy.
And with her cell phone turned on,
Her brain was mostly gone
For her interest in herself was plain scary.
LITTLE TOMMY TUCKER
Little Tommy Tucker stole for his supper.
His dad was in correction, and men were mom's collection.
And no one wanted Tommy, least of all his mommy,
So Tommy turned a direction; he too is in correction.
WHAT ARE LITTLE BOYS MADE OF, MADE OF?
Why the violence, solving nothing at all?
Is it testosterone gone afoul?
Is this what happens when boys are in charge?
Their brains too small, their egos too large?
Is the urge to kill a gender trait,
Programmed from birth to propagate hate?
Or is it religion that makes men this way,
The Book of pray preaching prey?
Or worship of Ares, god of war
Seeking aggression evermore?
Then let the reins fall from their clutch,
It's time for change, the feminine touch.
Would not the ladies smooth the balm
On Gaia's sore's with pleasant calm,
And sugar and spice and everything nice,
And rid the world of manly vice?
HICKORY DICKORY DOCK
Hickory Dickory Dock,
The mouse ran up the clock
To change the time an hour
To show he has the power.
The People didn't say
To change the clock this way
But the mouse in his tower
Took away the hour.
LITTLE BO PEEP
Little Bo Peep lost her sheep
While trying to count herself to sleep.
They ran away so they could play
But Bo had a very stressful day.
No sheep, no sleep, said Little Bo Peep.
I thought these sheep were mine to keep.
But even imagined animals play
And Bo Peep fell asleep anyway.
OUCH!
See a pin, pick it up
All the day, have good luck.
See a pin, leave it lay
And step on it another day.
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